


Haunted

by woodsong_1978 (Vae)



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen, POV First Person, Post-Serenity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-30
Updated: 2006-04-30
Packaged: 2017-12-04 07:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vae/pseuds/woodsong_1978
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mal and Jayne aren't the only ones to leave a trail of bodies behind them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haunted

They haunt me, you know.

Not the bodies, so much. That’s just the remnants. The shell that’s left once the person has gone. I’ve dealt with bodies. I know there is nothing of the person remaining in the body after death. Once the soul is gone, the body is empty.

The first time a patient died under my knife, I raged. I shouted. I cried. I think I even tried to punch the duty manager. The second time, part of me died with them. The third time, I didn’t show a reaction. But they all haunt me. All those deaths, my fault. 

I know that the captain carries the guilt of deaths on his conscience. I know that Jayne carries a tally like a prize. Since that fateful decision I made, I don’t think either of them can equal the total of death I have caused. The bodies I am responsible for. 

Even before we boarded Serenity, the trail of blood began. Just breaking River out – the stun grenade took out some of the staff in that laboratory. Some of them were hit harder than others. It was only intended to induce unconsciousness, but there are always unknown factors. Always some who will react in an unpredictable fashion. That day, there were two. 

When the captain shot Dobson, even though I didn’t pull the trigger, his blood was on my hands. My actions led him to that ship, caused him to be on Whitefall. Brought about his death. Caused another body to be created.

The Alliance soldiers on Ariel who tried to take River and me prisoner. I don’t know how many of them Jayne killed, but the cortex reports afterwards showed every one of them dead. Eight of them, added to my arrest warrant. 

There was the bounty hunter who found his way onto Serenity when we were floating in the depths of space. I won’t pretend I don’t hold a grudge against the man. He wanted to take River back to the hell the Alliance had placed her in, and he shot me. I don’t pretend to like him. But his death, too, can be laid at my door. 

It wasn’t long after that, we reached Beaumonde. I just wanted to take River away from Serenity, to keep her safe – but even there…I caused her to be on Beaumonde, and took her off the ship. She found her way to a bar, where she could be exposed to the triggers implanted deep within her subconscious. More souls to haunt me. 

Then the captain’s little crusade. I don’t mean to belittle him. I admire him greatly, in some ways. He did the right thing, but I can’t help wondering – what if River and I had never boarded Serenity? Would he ever have taken on the Alliance? Would he have taken the battle to them as he did? We learned from the Operative that Dr. Mathias and his technicians back at the Academy had been ‘terminated’. To that total, I can add the deaths of every innocent on Haven, on Whitefall, on Beaumonde, on every place that ever sheltered Malcolm Reynolds and his crew. Those from Miranda who took to the skies, Reaving their way into that god-awful battle that killed so many on both sides and forced my sister into acceptance of her status as a weapon.

The ones who haunt me most, the bodies who weigh heaviest on my conscience, are those of two men who became friends. Those two deaths seem more important, somehow. 

Because of me, Serenity’s crew is two less. Because of me, the Shepherd’s body lies still and cold on Haven. Because of me, Wash’s body will never fly Serenity again.

The bodies that concern me now are those of the living. My sister’s body, trapping her mind still, the physical changes scarring her mental state forever. And the body of my lover, nestled into me in sleep, not thinking of the heavy cost my decisions have forced upon Serenity’s crew and upon those who merely believed they were doing the right thing. 

I have to live with the consequences of my actions.

Knowing with absolute certainty that if I had the decision to make again, with the full knowledge of the consequences, I would still take River from the Academy, and doom hundreds of people to become nothing more than empty bodies.

My fault. My responsibility. Her cost. My price to pay. 

They haunt me.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for ff_friday on LJ, prompt: Bodies


End file.
